drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
