someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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