My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
