she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
