one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
