I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
