saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
