based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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