you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
