Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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