did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
