Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
40s are totally the cure
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
