At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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