Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
