I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
