piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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