Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
