I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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