i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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