She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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