Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
