Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
