my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
