Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
