ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
