Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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