Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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