Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
