You're so nebulous sometimes
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
