hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
