peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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