so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
