the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
