Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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