pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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