I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
