Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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