Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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