new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
