If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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