Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
