I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
