Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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