my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
this just has baby written all over it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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