Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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