you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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