Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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