I wish my penis had an off switch
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
