he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
