he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
