I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
