1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
